Pain

I think I should be calling myself "Regressing One" these days. I'm having a terrible week. I've been crying almost every day--at some point--over the asshole who broke my heart a year ago. I mean, SOBBING. Like Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Liaisons"--gasping for breath, wretched, heart-wrenching sobs that come on out of nowhere and escalate until I am too spent to continue.

It's been just a year since the big breakup. In fact, it hasn't even QUITE been a year, if you follow the timeline set forth in the previous blog. Am I just reliving everything because it's the anniversary? Is it something in the weather? Some internal clock that has rung a silent alarm and left my body responding without my conscious awareness?

EVERY DAY I want nothing more than to contact him. To tell him just how exactly devastated I still am. How completely he has ruined my life, tainted my existence, challenged my ability to draw breath. And I don't, of course--but just barely. I know he wouldn't care. Saying anything to him at this point just makes me pathetic. Makes me seem crazy. He'd probably say something terrible and mean to me for lashing out at this point. And it's not fair.

How is this not a punishable crime? Why is it okay for him to just GO ON about his business? Hell, to be HAPPY? To move in with someone new, and give HER everything I should have had? Everything he led me to believe I WOULD have? How can someone NOT be held accountable for so callously raising your expectations and then shrugging their shoulders and walking away? HOW?

My life has not been the same since. I have not been the same. I have struggled all year just to stay alive--quite literally--and it has not gotten much easier. I have tried to do all the things you're supposed to do to move on. I have tried to tell myself he is not worthy of my attention--that he never WAS. But I can't make myself believe it. As much as he has hurt me, all I can manage to do most days is MISS him so terribly it's an actual physical pain and it feels like it will never stop hurting.

I have lost an entire year of my life. An entire year. In crying. In sleeping. In staring numbly at walls. In not being able to think or move. There has been physical deterioration, mental deterioration, financial deterioration... this on top of the spiritual obliteration which has left me unable to believe in anything akin to hope or destiny or happiness. He has quite literally destroyed me, and he gets to just go on without a care in the world.

I hope every day that he is miserable. That somehow the universe is giving him a karmic lashing appropriate to what he dished out. But I know that's not how it works. I know the only one miserable here is me.

Still. Always.